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Please stop texting me pictures of Rafael. I'm on vacation. Journal your thoughts while I'm gone.

Tom Lynn

Author's Note: Each week, I'm supposed to sit down with my therapist and talk about the latest happenings in Badger sports. BUT SOMEBODY decided to have a last-minute lunch appointment during our safe space, and then flew to Calcutta with their lover?!

Dear Diary,

No, wait, diaries are for ladies and princesses. How about...

Dear Journal,

No! Journal isn't gender-specific enough...

Dear MAN THOUGHTS,

Hello, MAN THOUGHTS. My therapist recommended that I journal my thoughts after this weekend since we were unable to meet. I don't mind his assessment. I have a lot that has been running through my head. This past weekend, I headed to Madison for the Wisconsin football game against the South Florida Bulls. It was quite the spectacle. The Bulls have cool helmets. If they aren't cool, than they are at least creative (something the Badger offense could learn from ... hey-oh!).

I sat in the adult section. It takes up most of the stadium and some of the seats (including mine) come with a back rest. The back rest comes in handy because you don't have much room. The average size of a Badger football game attendee these days is probably equivalent to an out-of-shape offensive lineman. This makes for lots of incidental contact, and as I've talked with my therapist, I'm not a fan of breaking personal space.

Anyway, the adults show up to the game on time. Likely because they understand that money was spent on this game, and they feel they get more out of it when they attend on time. The student section wasn't full yet, and I wasn't the least bit surprised. I was young once ... and I, too, imbibed in the good nectar long past 11 a.m.

Hitherto, the game started and I don't even really want to talk about the first half. Sometimes the team (cough, the offense) looks so ordinary, the line gets no push, Melvin Gordon doesn't run well and Tanner McEvoy looks like he's surprised to be playing quarterback. As if he was listed at safety Friday night, and coach Gary Andersen told him that he had to play quarterback today ... because the team needed him.

Speaking of Tanner, does he know where his tight ends are at any given time? I don't think he does. It's hard to miss people like Sam Arneson: the 6'4, 244-pound guy running across the flat. Anyway, I digress. Tanner can sometimes be a distant cousin of the word "electrifying." He gave us a prelude to Aaron Rodgers' greatness when he stepped up in the pocket, dipty-doo'd to his right and hit Alex Erickson on his way out of bounds for a needed first downTanner likes to throw to Alex. I wonder if they have nicknames for each other. Like Tapdance and Corecrunch? Ha! I bet there would be a story there.

I've come to a conclusion about Tanner (with the help of some friends -- shoutout to Brett and Brendo!). Playing him at quarterback is kind of like lying to yourself that you're running the Wildcat. He's basically a wide receiver back there who's taking the snap. As a result, we really shouldn't ever be throwing the ball. Although Tanner does an above-average job of convincing us that this isn't the Wildcat, it's time we accept that he will be good enough to win us some games, and not good enough to lose us some games. That will be his legacy. May he dance in those hallowed halls amongst the likes of Tyler Donovan, Jim Sorgi and Curt Phillips.

So l assume you know what happens next. The Badgers woke up at halftime after Andersen delivered a non-speech (I assume). This gave Melvin no choice but to go to his happy place (crossing the stage on draft day, after being taken No. 1 overall, toward a faceless commissioner, since Roger Goodell will gone by then -- LOCK IT IN). When Melvin goes to his happy place, he likes to not give a flying fug about anything other than making beasty runs for 40 yards and shrugging off defenders like jersey-chasers at the KK.  And funny enough, when Melvin Gordon goes to his happy place, we kind of all go to a happy place.

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Melvin Gordon is really good at football. Like, breathtakingly good at football. That man runs so hard. It's like his future self came to him in a dream and told him that he would never amount to anything and he should just give up. Now Melvin is just trying to destroy the space-time continuum and change his path one 50.1 YPC at a time. Shame he didn't get more carries against LSU...

Speaking of good at football, Derek Landisch is pretty damn good at football. I've watched this clip of him getting an interception/strip/I have a football magnet in my belly about seven times. I still can't figure out what happened. You should have seen it, MAN THOUGHTS. Landisch reminded me of All-Time Badger great and current San Francisco 49er benchwarmer (because Jim Harbaugh is a pleated idiot) Chris Borland -- all over the field, making really impressive tackles in pursuit and getting super hyped about it. All signs point to me buying a generic No. 30 Badger jersey. Maybe I'll even send Derek a traveler's check for 50 bucks. #NCAASanctions

After the game, I went to the Terrace for a while. Blue Moon all day! (The ice cream, that is). Then I went to Red Shed and Karaoke Kid. Doses and Mimosas is harder than you'd think. Beginning to think that song is auto-tuned ...

All in all, it was a pretty good weekend. I didn't have much anxiety about quarterback controversies or halftime incidents. As long as Joel is all yippy, I feel in control of my thoughts and takes ... Oh, look a tweet from @B5Q ... It says that Joel is ready to play?

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Oh no ... the urges ... to rant ... to speculate!

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