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An LSU fan's guide to Green Bay

With rumors of a neutral-and-neutral series with the Bengals of the Bayou, I provide a public service to LSU fans on the chance they have to come up and visit.

Clay Matthews welcomes any and all LSU fans to Green Bay.
Clay Matthews welcomes any and all LSU fans to Green Bay.
Jonathan Daniel

Hello, dear LSU fan.

I know what you're thinking. Green Bay? That's not even as fun of a place to visit as Madison. Or maybe you don't even know where that is. And I can understand that. You're looking at a place where there seems to be only one thing to do. And after you visited the Packer Hall of Fame, what else are you going to do?

A lot. It's the Fox River Valley, friends. There are foxes and rivers and so much more. So as a public service, I will bring you 10 things to do in the Green Bay area. And guess what? Most of them are real.

It's Wisconsin. Throw a nickel and follow it. You'll get some fine hooch out of the proceedings. Straight Edge means you're likely a tourist.

Isn't Tuscaloosa "Titletown USA?" Despite Alabama's desire's to claim any and all titles not laying around -- and congratulations to the Crimson Tide for their Jersey All-Pro Wrestling championship -- Green Bay has earned the nickname with its multiple NFL championships and a Packer-based economy. If you don't leave with something Packer-related, you're trying too hard.

If you enjoy golf? There are 14 golf courses in the Green Bay area alone. From the Royal Scot Golf Club to the delightfully named Mister Golf, you are not going to be short of options when you're in the mood to put in a quick 18. If you're willing to drive out of the way, Whistling Straits is just an hour out of Green Bay. You can play the 18 holes that made Martin Kaymer as famous as Jerry Kelly or one-third as famous as Andy North.

If you're in the mood for fine dining? Boy howdy, does Green Bay have what you need. From Curly's Pub to the Brett Favre Steakhouse and the Jeff Query-owned Olive Garden, you have yourself a multitude of fine Packer-related dining options. Try the Five Guys. It's a local delicacy.

If you're in the mood for spirits? It's Wisconsin. Throw a nickel and follow it. You'll get some fine hooch out of the proceedings. Straight Edge means you're likely a tourist.

You seem like a hardscrabble people who have to deal with snow nine months out of the year. Do you have a sense of humor? One, hurtful. Two, of course we do. Green Bay is the comedy city! We have a comedy club sign that tells you that much. And as much as it hurts me to use puns, I must be frank about Let Me Be Frank Productions being a real live thing. If you're willing to go one half-hour, Appleton has a comedy club (the Skyline Comedy Cafe) that gets national comedians like Pete Holmes and Doug Benson.

What if I don't cotton to your Dougs Benson? Appleton has a strong moral center of mom, apple pie, America and non-fluoridated water. Because one half-hour away from Green Bay, the John Birch Society makes its home. They don't cotton to your Dougs Benson, either. You will never get your moral turpitude of a Madison in the Fox River Valley, that's for sure!

Are there any attractions that are non-Packer related? Boy howdy. From the Neville Public Museum to the National Railroad Museum and Tony Shaloub's locker shrine at Green Bay East High School. If you're not interested in the NFL? You have plenty to do. In fact, there's a NEW zoo.

A new zoo? Absolutely. If you're a zoo enthusiast or just someone who wants to become one, Green Bay is the place for you. I guarantee you'll love it or you can just go to the Tony Shaloub locker shrine again.

But are the Bayou Bengals really going to have to come? Likely no. The team that wants to take the step up in weight class is usually going to make the concessions to the big, bad talents in question. Probably just as well. Get a Bircher stumbling on an LSU tailgate party, he'll probably say, "In America, we spell 'go' with two letters, savvy?"

And then there would be an incident. Probably just as well the Badger fans head southward. They'll likely enjoy a journey to New Orleans or tolerate a trip to Houston. Because this has to happen.