You need a certain sort of mania to be a reasonably successful coach. This isn't really a job where you can live off of a 12 hour workday. You need to go hard because there's always some other coach going harder. And if you are someone who generates some success? You get to sit in a chair with a white cat, steeple your fingers, and say "Excellent." as you stare at your video wall.
It's good to be evil sometimes, and friends, let's see who the most evil coach in the Big Ten is.
Illinois: Tim Beckman
He's more of an ineffectual sort of villain right now. He's had two controversies as an Illinois coach. One involved sending coaches in an attempt to poach players from Penn State in the days after the sanctions went down. The other was being caught with chewing tobacco during the Wisconsin game. Neither is a major controversy. I mean, it's not great he's dipping, but in the grand scheme? It would have taken seven police officers filled with tranq darts to stop Frank Kush from rampaging after being told people were outraged about that.
Evil Rating: 3. Don't use tobacco, kids.
Iowa: Kirk Ferentz
The drug controversies of Derrell Johnson-Koulianos, and the accusations the program was flawed? A pre-meme question of just how much control Kirk Ferentz has lost of his program? A seeming angering of the Gods for hubristic reasons that strike only one position? Rhabdo? A contract situation that allows him to coach the rest of his term or until he ducks being fired for a pro job? Kirk Ferentz may not be the most evil coach in the Big Ten, but if this was an RPG? He'd roll like a boss.
Evil Rating: 8. Frank Kush would nod in his general direction.
Indiana: Kevin Wilson
By all accounts Kevin Wilson is a nice guy and a good coach. He hasn't had any controversy outside of responding to a sports radio hosts existence (that means trolling) with facts of the sports radio hosts issue. He's had bad luck in games and had to deal with Bert being Bert. As such? He may be the most sympathetic coach in the Big Ten. Or he may kill hobos for sport.
Evil Rating: 1. He also had to deal with Gunner Kiel. I LEAN SYMPATHETIC!
Michigan: Brady Hoke
Outside of bringing Fitzgerald Touissant and Frank Clark back for drunk driving and a second degree home invasion after one game? Hoke's been generally upstanding. He wasn't going to play along with the "controversy" about the Jadeveon Clowney hit from last years bowl game. And outside of some words in Notre Dames direction for taking their rivalry off the boards for a while? He's been a generally decent human being.
Evil Rating: 2. I mean, they missed the Alabama game. But still. One game?
Michigan State: Mark Dantonio
I better remain in #factsonly land, because you look at that punim of Dantonio and you see someone haunted by something. I assume he spent his twenties as a part of a dozen of expendable soldiers sent on missions that the CIA would only do for plausible deniability. Is Mark Dantonio a real life Deadshot? This is what my screenplay presupposes. Only serious offers, please.
Evil Rating: 2. Because his only real controversy is hiring Jim Bollman, and that was just first guessable and dumb.
Minnesota: Jerry Kill
The A.J. Barker controversy. His mistreatment, alleged or otherwise, had that sort of truthiness that would make the evil rating higher than average. Barker hasn't had an easy time of it post his Minnesota career. But this is the sort of thing that has to be put into consideration when discussing a coaches essential evil.
Evil Rating: 5. It would be a 5.5, but usage of the Maryland-I is good. All good.
Nebraska: Bo Pelini
BO PELINI IS EASY TO GET ALONG WITH AND A FRIEND TO CHILDREN AND SMALL ANIMALS. HE MAY NOT LIKE THE MEN THAT HE COMES INTO CONTACT WITH. BUT HE COMPORTS HIMSELF EQUALLY WHETHER DEALING WITH HIS SECONDARY OR FAMED BASEBALL WRITER PETER GAMMONS. PEOPLE MAY NOT LOVE HIM, BUT THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHERE HE IS AT ALL TIMES. He finds a Sandra Bullock type to calm him down? He'll be fine.
Evil Rating: 4. I HAVE TO DEDUCT A POINT BECAUSE I AM BIASED IN FAVOR OF YELLING.
Northwestern: Pat Fitzgerald
He needs to protect his twitter feed better, in that he was supposedly thrilled that an NBA player actually tried and was well-spoken. But that was someone else on his account. Otherwise? He's best known for being the coach who will pull the scholarship offer from any sort of wavering commitment. Is that evil? Nah. It's not heroic. But there's a real moral code to it.
Evil Rating: 2. Get up off twitter.
Ohio State: Urban Meyer
While Urban Meyer is friends with Bill Belichick, I have to tell you [THAT URBAN MEYER IS THE WORST SINGLE COACH WHEN IT COMES TO MORAL RECTITUDE. HE TOLD AARON HERNANDEZ TO MURDER ODIN LLOYD. HE TOLD RILEY COOPER TO HATE BLACK PEOPLE. HE TOLD TIM TEBOW THAT ESPN EXPOSURE IS THE BEST CASE SCENARIO FOR HIS CAREER. HE ALLOWED WILL HILL'S TWITTER TO EXIST. ISN'T IT FUNNY THAT CARLOS HYDE'S SUDDENLY LESS THAN UPSTANDING? HUH?] but you know what? I think people hate him because he's a winner.
Evil Rating: [A BILLION. HE IS A BILLION EVIL].
Penn State: Bill O'Brien
He has learned at the feet of Bill Belichick. But he's not the Bill O'Brien of the New Hampshire house. So while he's not someone who's truly evil. He has the potential for it. Belichick has his disciples. And monstrous potential resides within. [SEE URBAN MEYER. HE'S EVIL.]
Evil Rating: 5. Because of the Belichick curve.
Purdue: Darrell Hazell
Nah. He's not evil. Not yet anyway. The closest thing to evil is his experience in watching fraudulent raffles. This is his first experience in seeing big time opponents on a regular basis. He may yet become corrupted. But he is not Ferentz evil. Let alone a billion evil.
Evil Rating: 2. Because who rigs a raffle? Jerks. That's who.
Wisconsin: Gary Andersen
Honestly, he made an unfortunate comment about tithing and BYU athletics. That's it. He's the coach who stayed up until two in the morning in an attempt to give every member of the Aggies the reasons why he left for Wisconsin. He's given no reason to think him evil. He's not Bret Bielema, and that's kind of sad.
Evil Rating: 1.00000000000000000000000000001. Because I'm a coward and don't want homer calls.
So what did we learn? Most of the coaches in the Big Ten haven't sold their souls yet. But in fairness, there's been a lot of turnover. We have a bunch of fresh-faced people in positions of power for the Big Ten. Is our nice guy quotient a reason as to why we have a gap against the SEC? Do we need a BILLION EVIL like Urban Meyer to save us from ourselves?
Maybe. And potentially. But Urban gets bored. And then we're just gonna have a bunch of jerks.